{"id":1005,"date":"2020-11-30T09:11:00","date_gmt":"2020-11-30T08:11:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/noireetpsy.org\/?p=1005"},"modified":"2025-02-21T13:34:37","modified_gmt":"2025-02-21T18:34:37","slug":"blessure-dabandon-et-relations","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mentalsciences.health\/fr\/blessure-dabandon-et-relations\/","title":{"rendered":"Souffrez-vous de la blessure d\u2019abandon dans vos relations ?"},"content":{"rendered":"\r\n\r\nThe abandonment wound or <\/span>feeling of abandonment<\/span><\/a> is a neurosis in which the patient feels that he or she has been rejected by his or her family, professional, social or friendly environment.<\/span>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nThroughout our development, our parents, partners, or anyone else we were attached to hurt us unintentionally.<\/span>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nMost of the time, we have been victims of abandonment wounds by our parents because they themselves were wounded and expressed their deep suffering through their behaviors. Being affected in turn, we impact our present relationships in the same way that we were impacted by them.<\/span>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nThis is how chains of suffering will be built and transmitted between us, our children and our partners.<\/span>\r\n\r\n\r\n
These emotional abandonment wounds, as they are called, will end up conditioning our choices, guiding our behavior and determining our emotional schema. In other words, the way we relate to others, the way we love, and the way we want to be loved are strongly linked to our previous suffering.<\/span><\/blockquote>\r\n\r\n\r\nOur relationships are therefore a reflection of our abandonment wounds and fears, because a wounded person will do absolutely anything to avoid reliving what they have already experienced. Consequently, our personality will evolve according to our defense mechanisms and cut us off from our true self because of the abandonment wound.<\/span>\r\n\r\n\r\n

We are going to display what is called a FALSE SELF<\/span><\/strong> .<\/span><\/h4>\r\n\r\n\r\nFor <\/span>Donald Winnicott<\/span><\/strong> (pediatrician, psychiatrist and psychoanalyst), <\/span>the child who is forced to submit to the demands of the outside world will lose his spontaneity and authenticity<\/span><\/a> . This will result in a distinction between a \u201ctrue self\u201d, which is the state in which the individual has enough confidence in himself and in the environment to accept himself, and agree to show it AND a \u201cfalse self\u201d, which is constructed primarily as an adaptation to the environment.<\/span>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nThe <\/span>\u201ctrue self\u201d (what I am)<\/span><\/strong> remains authentic while the <\/span>\u201cfalse self\u201d (what people want me to be)<\/span><\/strong> gives priority to appearance. It is distinguished by its always polite attitudes in its relationship with others and conforms to what is expected of it. It is the face that we generally show to the people around us (family, friends, social and professional environment). It always occupies first place and ends up being perceived as an essential part of our personality whether we are victims of abandonment wounds or not.<\/span>\r\n\r\n\r\n
However, as Winnicott points out, what matters is the relationship between the two selves. A relationship that remains alive and evolving throughout life.<\/span><\/blockquote>\r\n\r\n\r\nWhen we still have unhealed wounds of abandonment within us, we display a personality that is not truly ours. Our fears and our sufferings cover our true essence. We function in relation to our unhappy experiences and in relation to our past.<\/span>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nOur wound of abandonment will always lead us to people who will awaken it until we heal them.<\/span>\r\n\r\n\r\n

What is an abandonment wound?<\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\r\n\r\n\r\nAbandonment injury is psychological suffering caused by a feeling of permanent insecurity linked to an irrational fear of being left by one’s partner.<\/span>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nSymptoms<\/span><\/strong>\r\n\r\n\r\n
    \r\n \t
  • Over-demanding towards the partner<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t
  • Permanent dissatisfaction in the relationship<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t
  • Need to be constantly told that you love him<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t
  • Excessive expectations<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t
  • Anxiety, depression, aggression<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t
  • Suspicions of treason or infidelity<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t
  • Self-devaluation (I am not worthy of being loved)<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t
  • Lack of self-confidence and self-esteem<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t
  • Constantly arguing that your partner deserves better than you<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t
  • Withdrawal and flight in the event of a challenge<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t
  • Need for control<\/span><\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n\r\n

    What can cause an abandonment injury?<\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\r\n\r\n\r\n1- Absent parents<\/span><\/strong> (physically or emotionally), unknown parents, unavailable or too busy. We cannot count on them because they have other priorities or they are not there. This injury will be all the more important if the bond is non-existent, impossible, conflictual or broken with them.<\/span>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nSeveral scenarios can arise with parents:<\/span>\r\n\r\n\r\n
      \r\n \t
    • they are present but do not pay attention to us<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t
    • they left home (separation, divorce)<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t
    • They travel a lot and we see them little<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t
    • they died<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t
    • we never knew them<\/span><\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n\r\n\r\nWe are not reassured about their PERMANENCE in our life and this fear of abandonment will be projected onto <\/span>our romantic partners<\/span><\/strong> .<\/span>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n2- Relationship failures, separations.<\/span><\/strong>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nOur partners can also leave us for one reason or another and thereby awaken and aggravate this wound in us.<\/span>\r\n\r\n\r\n

      How does a person who suffers from the wound of abandonment think?<\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\r\n\r\n
        \r\n \t
      • A person loves me IF they care mainly about me<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t
      • La personne qui m\u2019aime DOIT toujours \u00eatre pr\u00e9sente \u00e0 mes c\u00f4t\u00e9s, \u00eatre disponible et m\u2019accompagner dans tout ce que je fais<\/li>\r\n \t
      • Si je suis seul, je ne m\u2019en sortirais pas, j\u2019ai BESOIN de \u201cb\u00e9quilles\u201d, d\u2019une personne sur qui je peux m\u2019appuyer et compter<\/li>\r\n \t
      • J\u2019ai besoin des autres (ceux que j\u2019aime et \u00e0 qui je suis attach\u00e9) pour exister, s\u2019ils ne sont pas l\u00e0 je panique<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n\r\n

        La blessure de l\u2019abandon dans la relation amoureuse<\/strong><\/h4>\r\n\r\n
          \r\n \t
        • Peur de perdre l\u2019autre<\/li>\r\n \t
        • Besoin de contr\u00f4ler les mouvements du partenaire<\/li>\r\n \t
        • Confusion entre d\u00e9part et abandon (si le conjoint se d\u00e9place, peur qu\u2019il ne revienne pas ou qu\u2019il s\u2019int\u00e9resse \u00e0 d\u2019autres personnes)<\/li>\r\n \t
        • Confusion entre silence et rupture (si le conjoint ne donne pas de nouvelles ou tarde \u00e0 r\u00e9pondre on se sent inint\u00e9ressant et \u201cnon important\u201d pour lui)<\/li>\r\n \t
        • Confusion entre disputes, d\u00e9saccords et s\u00e9paration (si on se dispute avec le conjoint, on angoisse sur sa r\u00e9action et on a peur qu\u2019il ou elle nous quitte)<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n\r\n

          Les reproches et remarques r\u00e9currentes<\/strong><\/h4>\r\n\r\n
            \r\n \t
          • Je ne peux pas compter sur toi<\/li>\r\n \t
          • Tu vas me quitter quand tu vas mieux me conna\u00eetre<\/li>\r\n \t
          • Je ne me sens pas en s\u00e9curit\u00e9, tu ne me rassures pas<\/li>\r\n \t
          • C\u2019est trop compliqu\u00e9, c\u2019est peut-\u00eatre mieux qu\u2019on laisse tomber<\/li>\r\n \t
          • Peut-\u00eatre que tu as d\u2019autres priorit\u00e9s<\/li>\r\n \t
          • Je ne pense pas que je te m\u00e9rite, tu peux trouver mieux que moi<\/li>\r\n \t
          • Tu vas me faire souffrir<\/li>\r\n \t
          • Tu es trop sollicit\u00e9, trop entour\u00e9<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n\r\n

            De quoi a besoin une personne qui souffre de la blessure d\u2019abandon ?<\/strong><\/h4>\r\n\r\n
              \r\n \t
            • D\u2019entrer en contact avec ses v\u00e9ritables \u00e9motions<\/li>\r\n \t
            • De vivre et d\u2019exprimer sa col\u00e8re vis \u00e0 vis de ses exp\u00e9riences d\u2019abandon<\/li>\r\n \t
            • D\u2019accepter le fait d\u2019avoir v\u00e9cu un abandon et Reconna\u00eetre son droit d\u2019en souffrir<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n\r\n

              Quelles le\u00e7ons en tirer?<\/strong><\/h4>\r\n\r\n\r\nLa blessure d\u2019abandon va avec son corollaire qui est la peur de l\u2019abandon.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nCette peur, si elle est trop forte, peut emp\u00eacher une relation de se construire ou encore la saboter. A force de d\u00e9montrer \u00e0 l\u2019autre qu\u2019on l\u2019a choisi et qu\u2019il\/elle a sa place aupr\u00e8s de nous, on peut finir par se fatiguer et laisser la relation \u00e9voluer dans le sens d\u2019une s\u00e9paration.\r\n\r\n\r\n
              Malgr\u00e9 notre bonne volont\u00e9, on ne pourra jamais gu\u00e9rir notre partenaire \u00e0 sa place. C\u2019est \u00e0 lui de prendre conscience de son probl\u00e8me et de travailler \u00e0 le r\u00e9soudre.<\/blockquote>\r\n\r\n\r\nSi vous vous reconnaissez dans cette blessure, \u00a0sachez qu\u2019une personne qui vous aime a aussi ses propres besoins qu\u2019il\/elle doit combler en dehors de la relation.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAucun couple ne survit en autarcie. Ce n\u2019est pas parce que votre conjoint a d\u2019autres centres d\u2019int\u00e9r\u00eats ou une vie sociale bien remplie qu\u2019il ne vous aime pas. Le bonheur est un ensemble de plusieurs choses mises en commun. Et vous \u00eates un des \u00e9l\u00e9ments de ce bonheur. Vous avez donc votre place. Ne cherchez pas l\u2019exclusivit\u00e9 que vous n\u2019aurez jamais car \u00e7a n\u2019existe tout simplement pas.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nTout le monde a besoin d\u2019air et d\u2019espace personnel pour se ressourcer afin de rester \u00e9panoui. C\u2019est ce qui enrichit une relation et permet de la maintenir sur le long terme.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nApprenez \u00e0 compter d\u2019abord sur VOUS, vous n\u2019avez pas besoin d\u2019\u00eatre matern\u00e9 ou patern\u00e9.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAn adult has within him all the resources necessary to take care of himself emotionally.<\/span>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nRelease your true ME, and make room for your <\/span>TRUE SELF.<\/span><\/strong>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nTo Discover<\/span><\/strong>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nBlack & Psy<\/span><\/em><\/strong>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

              The abandonment wound or feeling of abandonment is a neurosis in which the patient feels that he or she has been rejected by his or her family, professional, social or friendly environment. Throughout our development, our parents, partners, or anyone else we were attached to hurt us unintentionally. Most of the time, we have been […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":5667,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"iawp_total_views":1,"footnotes":""},"categories":[396],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1005","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relations-amoureuses-couples-fr"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mentalsciences.health\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1005","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mentalsciences.health\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mentalsciences.health\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mentalsciences.health\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mentalsciences.health\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1005"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/mentalsciences.health\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1005\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5693,"href":"https:\/\/mentalsciences.health\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1005\/revisions\/5693"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mentalsciences.health\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5667"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mentalsciences.health\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1005"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mentalsciences.health\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1005"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mentalsciences.health\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1005"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}