The abandonment wound or feeling of abandonment is a neurosis in which the patient feels that he or she has been rejected by his or her family, professional, social or friendly environment.
Throughout our development, our parents, partners, or anyone else we were attached to hurt us unintentionally.
Most of the time, we have been victims of abandonment wounds by our parents because they themselves were wounded and expressed their deep suffering through their behaviors. Being affected in turn, we impact our present relationships in the same way that we were impacted by them.
This is how chains of suffering will be built and transmitted between us, our children and our partners.
These emotional abandonment wounds, as they are called, will end up conditioning our choices, guiding our behavior and determining our emotional schema. In other words, the way we relate to others, the way we love, and the way we want to be loved are strongly linked to our previous suffering.
Our relationships are therefore a reflection of our abandonment wounds and fears, because a wounded person will do absolutely anything to avoid reliving what they have already experienced. Consequently, our personality will evolve according to our defense mechanisms and cut us off from our true self because of the abandonment wound.
We are going to display what is called a FALSE SELF .
For Donald Winnicott (pediatrician, psychiatrist and psychoanalyst), the child who is forced to submit to the demands of the outside world will lose his spontaneity and authenticity . This will result in a distinction between a “true self”, which is the state in which the individual has enough confidence in himself and in the environment to accept himself, and agree to show it AND a “false self”, which is constructed primarily as an adaptation to the environment.
The “true self” (what I am) remains authentic while the “false self” (what people want me to be) gives priority to appearance. It is distinguished by its always polite attitudes in its relationship with others and conforms to what is expected of it. It is the face that we generally show to the people around us (family, friends, social and professional environment). It always occupies first place and ends up being perceived as an essential part of our personality whether we are victims of abandonment wounds or not.
However, as Winnicott points out, what matters is the relationship between the two selves. A relationship that remains alive and evolving throughout life.
When we still have unhealed wounds of abandonment within us, we display a personality that is not truly ours. Our fears and our sufferings cover our true essence. We function in relation to our unhappy experiences and in relation to our past.
Our wound of abandonment will always lead us to people who will awaken it until we heal them.
What is an abandonment wound?
Abandonment injury is psychological suffering caused by a feeling of permanent insecurity linked to an irrational fear of being left by one’s partner.
Symptoms
- Over-demanding towards the partner
- Permanent dissatisfaction in the relationship
- Need to be constantly told that you love him
- Excessive expectations
- Anxiety, depression, aggression
- Suspicions of treason or infidelity
- Self-devaluation (I am not worthy of being loved)
- Lack of self-confidence and self-esteem
- Constantly arguing that your partner deserves better than you
- Withdrawal and flight in the event of a challenge
- Need for control
What can cause an abandonment injury?
1- Absent parents (physically or emotionally), unknown parents, unavailable or too busy. We cannot count on them because they have other priorities or they are not there. This injury will be all the more important if the bond is non-existent, impossible, conflictual or broken with them.
Several scenarios can arise with parents:
- they are present but do not pay attention to us
- they left home (separation, divorce)
- They travel a lot and we see them little
- they died
- we never knew them
We are not reassured about their PERMANENCE in our life and this fear of abandonment will be projected onto our romantic partners .
2- Relationship failures, separations.
Our partners can also leave us for one reason or another and thereby awaken and aggravate this wound in us.
How does a person who suffers from the wound of abandonment think?
- A person loves me IF they care mainly about me
- La personne qui m’aime DOIT toujours être présente à mes côtés, être disponible et m’accompagner dans tout ce que je fais
- Si je suis seul, je ne m’en sortirais pas, j’ai BESOIN de “béquilles”, d’une personne sur qui je peux m’appuyer et compter
- J’ai besoin des autres (ceux que j’aime et à qui je suis attaché) pour exister, s’ils ne sont pas là je panique
La blessure de l’abandon dans la relation amoureuse
- Peur de perdre l’autre
- Besoin de contrôler les mouvements du partenaire
- Confusion entre départ et abandon (si le conjoint se déplace, peur qu’il ne revienne pas ou qu’il s’intéresse à d’autres personnes)
- Confusion entre silence et rupture (si le conjoint ne donne pas de nouvelles ou tarde à répondre on se sent inintéressant et “non important” pour lui)
- Confusion entre disputes, désaccords et séparation (si on se dispute avec le conjoint, on angoisse sur sa réaction et on a peur qu’il ou elle nous quitte)
Les reproches et remarques récurrentes
- Je ne peux pas compter sur toi
- Tu vas me quitter quand tu vas mieux me connaître
- Je ne me sens pas en sécurité, tu ne me rassures pas
- C’est trop compliqué, c’est peut-être mieux qu’on laisse tomber
- Peut-être que tu as d’autres priorités
- Je ne pense pas que je te mérite, tu peux trouver mieux que moi
- Tu vas me faire souffrir
- Tu es trop sollicité, trop entouré
De quoi a besoin une personne qui souffre de la blessure d’abandon ?
- D’entrer en contact avec ses véritables émotions
- De vivre et d’exprimer sa colère vis à vis de ses expériences d’abandon
- D’accepter le fait d’avoir vécu un abandon et Reconnaître son droit d’en souffrir
Quelles leçons en tirer?
La blessure d’abandon va avec son corollaire qui est la peur de l’abandon.
Cette peur, si elle est trop forte, peut empêcher une relation de se construire ou encore la saboter. A force de démontrer à l’autre qu’on l’a choisi et qu’il/elle a sa place auprès de nous, on peut finir par se fatiguer et laisser la relation évoluer dans le sens d’une séparation.
Malgré notre bonne volonté, on ne pourra jamais guérir notre partenaire à sa place. C’est à lui de prendre conscience de son problème et de travailler à le résoudre.
Si vous vous reconnaissez dans cette blessure, sachez qu’une personne qui vous aime a aussi ses propres besoins qu’il/elle doit combler en dehors de la relation.
Aucun couple ne survit en autarcie. Ce n’est pas parce que votre conjoint a d’autres centres d’intérêts ou une vie sociale bien remplie qu’il ne vous aime pas. Le bonheur est un ensemble de plusieurs choses mises en commun. Et vous êtes un des éléments de ce bonheur. Vous avez donc votre place. Ne cherchez pas l’exclusivité que vous n’aurez jamais car ça n’existe tout simplement pas.
Tout le monde a besoin d’air et d’espace personnel pour se ressourcer afin de rester épanoui. C’est ce qui enrichit une relation et permet de la maintenir sur le long terme.
Apprenez à compter d’abord sur VOUS, vous n’avez pas besoin d’être materné ou paterné.
An adult has within him all the resources necessary to take care of himself emotionally.
Release your true ME, and make room for your TRUE SELF.
To Discover
Black & Psy 